i love you signed anonymous

everyone is asleep but that's when i'm the most me. varied mixes of drowsiness and the blinking colon between the 3 and the AM pull out emotions that stay hidden during the 'sunny hours'.
i know it's not just me who gets a confusing mix of comfort and fear fuzed together late at night.

is it ok to be sad?
this question runs through my head almost daily. not always in reference to me. i just wonder is it ok to be sad?
i know it's a total turn-off to people. let's face it, sad is an emotion people go to GREAT lengths to avoid or hide from. i know it's not quote "healthy" to bury emotions, but i think sometimes it's necessary.

i believe we were placed here to learn from interactions, and relationships and love.
i believe we were placed here to teach through interactions, and relationships and love.
i'm probably totally missing something here but because i'm sad, people always leave. then again maybe people always leave cause i'm trying too hard to hide the sad and they can see right through my bullshit. how are we supposed to learn or teach when people flee from the bluer spectrum of emotions while that same spectrum shows us about ourselves the most? (i'm starting to go in circles here, aren't i?)

i read a letter tonight posted in TWLOHA's blog written anonymously in regards to the death of dj am this morning. i don't know if it's the stress from grasping at anything to avoid being alone this week, or the emotions pulled up by this hour, or that postings in TWLOHA's blog never fail to talk specifically to you alone and yet everyone at the same time, or the fact i realized i'm sad and need to find a way to escape it, but the letter tore me apart and sewed me together all at once.

"You are going to move through this.
More importantly, I love you. YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE THROUGH THIS.
Don't be defeated. Submit yourself to the process. You are growing. You are changing. You are doing LIFE.

I am not trying to make you feel better. This fucking hurts, and there are no two ways around it.But I am trying to encourage you to not retreat. I can't remove the pain, but I am going to hold your hand while it hurts.

Continue to reach out. You need people right now.

I'm here for anything you need.

You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.

Love you my friend.

- Anonymous"

the beauty of not knowing who wrote this yet being sure every word is deeply sincere pulls me to the roots and the grass that pulls us all together. (i've been reading a lot of Whitman lately hah)

maybe it is okay to be sad.
even more importantly, it's okay to let sad out so you can begin to climb it, not escape it.
it's through the facing the bitterness and the.. well.. sad where you learn, and teach, and share, and interact, and love.

"and i know that you'll find love. i will posses your heart"

smart, talented, [nineteen] and scared

so i'm sitting here in my new oddly comfortable flower-laced tights wondering why i couldn't decide to wear exactly what i wanted to back in high school. whatever. no one truly knows what they want during those four years whether they think they do or not. maybe high school is just on the brain because my sister is beginning what was (ah-i'm-trying-not-to-sound-dramatic-here-cause-its-really-not) the worst year of my life. i think i'm starting to realize no matter how much advice and comfort i try to text her way, i will never change the way i feel about eating (or not eating for that matter) alone during lunch through that lonely junior year. it's probably good i hold on to those feelings cause lets face it -- it's a smidgen of who i am now.

side note: i'm trying my best to avoid cliches but sometimes it's just inevitable ha.


so i sit here today. in my moms apartment falling in love as we speak (type?) with how the sunlight is falling through the shades because of the thunderstorm that just passed. my toes are propped up on the table and every time i look at the floral pattern laced between them i can't help but giggle a little bit. (note to self: find a new word for giggle. i dunno it just bothers me a bit) i know i should get back to painting so i can complete how i want the current state of my portfolio to look at a decent date, but something about the fact that i still have a few days of summer left, and the none-the-less truer fact that pandora just played bloc party andd the bucket right after each other pulled me to this new release i've found we all know and love as blogging.
i have a strange feeling in my stomach that i felt this almost exact mix of giddiness, peace and content i did july third.
i don't remember specific dates.. like.. ever, but something about july third.
the weather was perfect.
the feel of the concrete slab on my stomach was perfect.
the conversation was perfect. no judging. just solemn understanding mixed with light fits of laughter.
the austin night skyline from that hilltop was perfect. (honestly though if you ask me the austin skyline is always perfect)

i'm sitting here now alone with no voices of friends for thousands of miles yet i still feel a tinge of peace.

maybe i'll be more fine here alone than i thought.

"i've seen your death on television"

a failed attempt at not sounding whiney

it seems i've traded sleeping solid awkward hours of the day for a "normal" sleep schedule with the promise of waking up every morning to a terror of a dream. just weeks ago i thought to myself, "isn't it weird how i don't dream so vividly anymore?". that thought alone should have been a warning for the nightmares to come. i don't know why but dreams have always, for lack of a better word, intrigued me. maybe its the mix of colors or lack-there-of. maybe its their ability to allow me to knock out a painting instantly the next morning. maybe its just the cut-and-paste memories and guest appearances of people i don't give second thought to during the day.

i'm not one to think our dreams are trying to tell us something, but the one that jolted me awake this morning has been messing with my train of thought all day.
i stood in his backyard. it was the same party from the middle of the summer that specifically marks when things so obviously took a left turn. it wasn't exactly the party or the events that took place there that made summer take a different direction, but everything going on outside it that was purposefully hidden from me.

so there i stand in that foggy backyard. i'm not sure if the fog was the actual weather or the both thin and thick streams of smoke from cigarettes and illegal substances i sometimes have to fight to ignore. he pulled at my hand, but not the sweet 'let's go away together' kind of way. it was an abrasive and 'i'm in charge of your emotions here, remember?' tug. this is where my dream decided to go off the path of what actually happened.
that hand-pull then led to a game of cat and mouse, well more like shark vs. shrimp. he'd pull i'd follow, he'd turn around, i'd see his face, i'd try and run away, he gripped tighter. this went on over and overr until i jolted up seeing it was light outside and wondering how my dream had gotten the metaphor of the current state of that relationship so spot on.

what do i do next? i have no clue.

"meet me in montauk."