smart, talented, [nineteen] and scared

so i'm sitting here in my new oddly comfortable flower-laced tights wondering why i couldn't decide to wear exactly what i wanted to back in high school. whatever. no one truly knows what they want during those four years whether they think they do or not. maybe high school is just on the brain because my sister is beginning what was (ah-i'm-trying-not-to-sound-dramatic-here-cause-its-really-not) the worst year of my life. i think i'm starting to realize no matter how much advice and comfort i try to text her way, i will never change the way i feel about eating (or not eating for that matter) alone during lunch through that lonely junior year. it's probably good i hold on to those feelings cause lets face it -- it's a smidgen of who i am now.

side note: i'm trying my best to avoid cliches but sometimes it's just inevitable ha.


so i sit here today. in my moms apartment falling in love as we speak (type?) with how the sunlight is falling through the shades because of the thunderstorm that just passed. my toes are propped up on the table and every time i look at the floral pattern laced between them i can't help but giggle a little bit. (note to self: find a new word for giggle. i dunno it just bothers me a bit) i know i should get back to painting so i can complete how i want the current state of my portfolio to look at a decent date, but something about the fact that i still have a few days of summer left, and the none-the-less truer fact that pandora just played bloc party andd the bucket right after each other pulled me to this new release i've found we all know and love as blogging.
i have a strange feeling in my stomach that i felt this almost exact mix of giddiness, peace and content i did july third.
i don't remember specific dates.. like.. ever, but something about july third.
the weather was perfect.
the feel of the concrete slab on my stomach was perfect.
the conversation was perfect. no judging. just solemn understanding mixed with light fits of laughter.
the austin night skyline from that hilltop was perfect. (honestly though if you ask me the austin skyline is always perfect)

i'm sitting here now alone with no voices of friends for thousands of miles yet i still feel a tinge of peace.

maybe i'll be more fine here alone than i thought.

"i've seen your death on television"